Gary--no date tonight for me
Mood:  not sure
Gary didn't call today, which is actually surprising. I saw him briefly on Sunday, when driving back from work. I was trying to avoid him by pretending that I couldn't see him, but he was blocking me from getting over into the turn lane, so I had to look over at him and pretend that I didn't know he was there the whole time. He didn't look very happy, probably because I didn't look very happy to see him. I tried to smile, but I just couldn't believe it that I actually saw him. Just my luck. As soon as I am trying to avoid someone and give them the hint that I'm not intersted in seeing them anymore, I drive right next to them. That's my luck for you. He did call me that night though, and I should have picked up, but I didn't feel like breaking the bad news to him right then, since I was brushing my teeth, so I decided to ignore the call. I figured it wasn't about anything important since he didn't leave his number or a message. I don't understand the point of leaving your number as a text message when you call someone. He always does it, and it pisses me off. If you want me to call you back, leave me a voice mail, otherwise I'm just gonna figure it wasn't important enough to leave a message. So he didn't leave anything, very unlike him, but maybe a good sign that he's catching on to the breaking up vibe.

I have to be honest, I don't like being the one that avoids, but I am planning on telling him that I think it's best we stop seeing each other. From what I can tell, he wants something much more serious than I do. Truthfully though, I would love to have something serious in my life, just not with him. As mean as it sounds, it's the truth. It's pointless for us to date each other when I know that we're not meant to be together. I honestly can't understand why he's so insistent on this relationship, because when we're out together, I don't have fun, and I don't see how he can be. We've made out twice, once for maybe a minute, the first time a little longer. I'm not a slut or a fast mover, I'm just not used to only making out after the ninth date. Nothing wrong with it if he's a good kisser, but in this case, it's wrong. I've never been kissed like this before, and I am very lucky for that. I pray that I will not be kissed like this again. Every time we kiss, I try not to laugh. I feel like the woman in "Dumb and Dumber" when Jim Carrey kisses her and practically swallows her whole face! But they need to add the effect of him shoving his tongue quickly in and out of her mouth, side to side. This is not sexy! It feels disgusting, in all honesty. He's had serious girlfriends, I don't know how they would be able to put up with this.

So the fact that he hasn't called today, even though he said that he wanted to hang out tonight, is very interesting. He's either, 1) trying to test me to see if I'll call him (which I have sadly had men test me on before; I usually fail; once again, I blame my odd phobia of the phone); 2) he's realizing that I am a bitch and that he doesn't want to date me, 3) he's realizing that he deserves better treatment than this and has decided to stop calling me and in turn stop seeing me altogether; or 4) he's really busy with his Nutrition class, and doesn't have the time to call. Most likely, it's 1 or 2, maybe 3, but I'm betting on 1 and 2.

Gary is truly a great catch. He's attractive, very smart, and already has a great job lined up for himself. He would definitely be a great catch, but for some reason, we just don't click. I wish that we did, because I could work with him on the kissing thing, but there's no connection there. He doesn't make me laugh, and when he's being sarcastic, it's hard to tell if he's being sarcastic or just being weird. I know I'm probably letting go of the greatest guy I could date, but all I keep thinking about is Grant. Why? We're never going to work out, no matter how much I pray or try not to think about him, he despises me. (This is a case of the phone phobia striking another innocent victim.) I constantly ask myself why didn't you just call him? Why? Because I was scared. And isn't that the truth. Showing that I actually care enough about and for someone by calling them is a big step for me, and shows them how I feel, and I don't ever want anyone to know about my feelings. I hate being vulnerable and easy to read. But at the same time, I want a man who can read me, yet do it for the right reasons, and not vindictively.

Every woman wants a man who understands her quirks and eccentricities, and at the same time adores her for them. I wish I could get over Grant, but I don't know if I ever will. I keep thinking that he'll realize that we are perfect for each other, but then I just set myself up for sadness. Sometimes I wonder if that's when I'm happiest, as odd as that sounds. When things are going well, I'm very uncomfortable. But when there is sadness in my life, especially when its due to men, I feel comfortable, like that's the way life is supposed to be for me. I pray that it's not, but I constantly do stupid things that make my like sad. When will I learn?

Mood:  caffeinated
Today was graduation day. College graduation day, to be specific. While I sat in the stands watching my friends and peers happily accept their diplomas, I started to think about all of my crazy dating experiences that have included most of men in this year's graduating class.

First, there was Hoff (use a nickname to keep him anonymous), who is now married to a woman who looks like she could be his taller twin brother from far away. We dated freshman year, but it wasn't really dating because he was on the rebound, and I just wanted some new people to hang out with. Plus, on our first date he said that I was like Rainman, which as we all know is not a compliment. While he is a brillant man at counting cards, I would rather not be compared to him, especially on a first date. (He compared me to Rainman because I had to set the chess pieces up in a certain order. Not exactly Rainman criteria in my opinion, but whatever.)

Then, there were many others, mainly military men that I met at a sleazy dance club in town. Not some of my best times, but I did enjoy the drunken dancing and grabbing. While there were some adventures, most of them were fairly boring, or not worth talking about, yet. Anyone who's dated a military man will probably understand this.

One guy I did date who was in the Army was Davis. A very nice midwestern african american boy who was so sweet and loved his car. I've never had anyone call me after a date and thank me for the date, so it was nice, but at the same time a little too nice for me, if you know what I'm saying. Maybe I'm a little evil, so I despise men who are nice. I actually really liked him, and we had some fun together, but I knew that it couldn't go any where because, not to be too mean to my parents, but they are a little racist, so there was no hope for us. I know most of you would say that I should stand up against my parents against this prejudice, which I try to do, but when they're supporting me through college, it's hard to fight against them and their relationship beliefs. Don't get me wrong, my parents aren't in the KKK or anything, they're both just from really small hick towns and this is how they were brought up. I've never heard them say anything derogaratory, they just believe that I should date someone of my own race, whether that's for better or for worse.

Next, there was V (another nickname). While I wish I could say that this was a great relationship, it wasn't, mainly because I have a huge phobia of the phone. Not sure why, but for some reason actually having to call and talk to someone on the phone is either too terrifying or just too difficult for me that I prefer to just not call and let the relationship die. Not sure if anyone else is this way, but if you've overcome this fear, please let me know! I probably shouldn't say this, since I would never admit this to any of my friends, but I seriously loved this guy, the first person I think I've ever loved besides my family. Sad to think I let it all slip away. Oh well, as you will see, V tends to reappear frequently througout my dating life. To briefly describe what he looks like, I would say a 40 year old balding man, with glasses. Apparently I find 40 yr old men attractive, otherwise I woudln't be into V. Plus, he's sarcastic, and apparently I'm drawn to sarcastic men. Maybe it's the scorpio in me?

Then, over the summer, I experimented with one of my girlfriends, whom I will affectionately call M. We'd always flirted with the idea of a couple, but we were both dating men at the time. We always said that if one of us was a male instead of a female, we would be the perfect couple. Strange, I know, but that's me for you. Through this experience, I came to find out that I am a very jealous person, which I did not know about myself before this. Whenever I would see her with another woman, I would either be hurt or upset, which is odd for me because I am not an emotional person. After one night of hanging out and drinking at the street dance (weird I know, but that's what small towns are for) we went back to my house for the night. We were both really nervous about what was going to happen. I have to admit, touching another woman in that way was very erotic, and I still think about it from time to time. We decided that we both preferred dick to chicks, but we're still friends to this day.

The next year, junior year to be exact, I came back to school and met two intersting guys to date. One was involved ROTC, whom I will call C, and the other was into tennis, whom I will call S. I felt like a pimp because I was dating both of them at the same time, and rarely do I seem to have a date let alone two in the same night! It was very fun, but also extremely difficult. Overall, I decided to go with C, because we were more compatible when it came to the bedroom. God, what I wouldn't give to meet up with him again! Not to sound like a freak, but I love biting and scratching, and even a little hair pulling, which he was all for. While I wish there was more to the relationship than sex, there wasn't, and we quickly broke up.

After C, I messed around with this one guy, I don't even remember his name! All I can say though, is that he was a complete asshole! I've never had a guy basically force me to do anything before, especially on a first date and when they're wearing a pair of old JCPenney boxers. Definitely not my best moment, nor his. So, luckily that was a one time thing, and I was hopefully on to better days and dates.

Then, I met H at my friend's wedding. He was the best man, I was a drunken single woman in need of some lovin'. I was expecting a one night stand, and instead it turned into a three month relationship. The best part was, we slept together first, and then we tried to start a relationship from there. This might have worked if he didn't live 5 hours away and if he wouldn't have been a virgin when we slept together (which I didn't know until a week later, I probably should have known from the performance, but I was drunk and it had been awhile for me.) During this time, V came back into my life. I'm prone to cheating, which is terrible, but I try to save it for specific individuals, and V will always be one of those.

I guess I will save the rest of this for later. I know my life isn't that exciting, but some of the things that happen to me are unbelievable. For instance, besides V, I tend to attract very feminine men that have a lot of emotion and become attached very easily. Not sure why, and I have to admit that it is extremely annoying.

I just wanted to fill you in on the beginning of my college dating life, and I'll try to fit in more next time.

Good luck in life and in love!